It’s Eve’s fault.

It’s Eve’s fault.

It’s all part of the pain God inflicted upon women because Eveate that forbidden fruit.

What I’m talking about are hot flashes, which I believe deservea spot at the top of the list of so-called “Female Problems.” And,yes, I’m having them.

(Guys, if you haven’t figured it out by now, this particularcolumn is probably not going to be of interest to you. I suggestyou check out Charley Reese. He’s writing about the weather.)

My hormones have gone haywire. I’ve convinced myself that thishas nothing to do with middle age, which is when this problemtypically occurs. Some of my female friends and co-workers areexperiencing the same thing, and some are younger than I am. Maybewe’re victims of this Global Warming everybody’s been talkingabout. Anyway, it’s terrible.

Some women try to make the best of a bad situation. They callhot flashes ‘power surges.’ Not me. I call them an affliction.

I never know where I’m going to be when one of these things hit– at work, at home, at church, in the car, in the shower, in thedentist’s chair. Hot flashes can flare up anywhere.

More often than not, one of these bad boogers hits when I’m in apublic place. That means I can’t shift the air conditioner intooverdrive or take off any clothes, no matter how desperate thesituation.

Hot flashes have no sense of direction either.

They start in different places and move in different directions.Most often they start in the very top of my head and work down.Sometimes they start in the middle of my chest, move up my neck,across my face, go over my head and down my back.

No matter where or when they start, I feel like somebody’s put apillow over my face and set my skin afire.

After the initial flash subsides, sweat pops out. It doesn’tmatter if I’m outside in 40-degree weather — get the tissue outand start wiping.

I’m told that some women also suffer mood swings along with hotflashes, but I don’t think this is true. If I were moody orirritable, it would have upset me when one of my co-workers offeredto replace my chair with a trapeze.

I did a little research, hoping to find some hot flash remedies.Here’s some of the things women are trying: soy milk, B vitamins,evening primrose oil, vitamin E, unsalted trail mix, l-tryptophan,sucking on ice cubes, miso, 5HTP, tofu, yoga, biofeedback,deep-breathing exercises, guided imagery and massage therapy.

I don’t know what some of those things are, much less whatyou’re supposed to do with them, but I guess we really do resort todesperate measures in desperate times.

Trying to be positive, one woman said she thinks of hot flashesas a natural cleansing of the body. Either her brain is fried orshe’s never heard of soap and water.

By the way, is it hot in here to you?

I could kick Eve’s butt. Write to Nanette Laster at P.O. Box551, Brookhaven, Miss. 39602, send faxes to 833-6714, or e-mail tonlaster@telepak.net. She’d love to hear from you.