I have this sister-in-law who can hold her own in five languages. She would insist it’s really only four (two are different dialects of her native Chinese), but I know better. After all, it’s a tonal language like Mandarin that linguists say is the hardest to learn — the kind in which a single syllable can have several different meanings based on the rising and falling pitch of the speaker’s voice. For example, a simple little “ma” can be pronounced as ma, mha, mah, or maa, with each sound having a different meaning. Line them up back to back and you can end up with something which, when translated, means “the hemp’s mother scolds the horse”.

Easy peasy, right?

Evidently the translation difficulty works both ways. Here’s a message I recently received from an eBay seller based in the Eastern Hemisphere:

Dear Henderson
Hope everything goes fine with you. This e-mail probably disturb you, But I’m concerning about your package status . 15 days have passed since your item was shipped. It should reach you very soon Norm, ally, the shipment takes around 10-25 working days to your country via China Airmail registered Post .
when you are receiving good conditional and you really love the items, We hope you could leave us positive feedback in Real 5 stars  As the shipping is free and realize it’s international mail post send by economy option  Hope you could really understand this If there is anything you feel unsatisfied 

with, please do tell us firstly  We are sincerely here to make you 100% satisfied “

Now that, gentle readers, is about as funny as some of my children’s research papers. But alas, not all tonal language issues are humorous. Case in point: the tonal language used by the most curious of all people groups — spouses. In no sub-section of the human species is the use of rising and falling pitch more pronounced — or more readily translatable — than among husbands and wives.

Experts, however, will chose to deny that spouse speak is tonal in nature, preferring instead to introduce phonetic terms like diphthongs into the discussion.  A diphthong, by the way, is that consistent sliding of vowels responsible for things like New York tawk (caught becomes cot) and Southern drawls (water becomes warter). I believe speech pathology proponents are ignoring the obvious, though. In spouse speak, it’s the accent marks, not the accents, which really do the talking.

Take, for example, this completely unbiased transcript of a closet conversation in which I took part recently.

“You want me to wear my blue jacket (stress the jacket)?” Translation: It doesn’t say business casual on the invitation.

“You want me to wear my blue (stress the blue) jacket?” Translation: I prefer the brown tweed.

“You (stress the you) want me to wear my blue jacket?” Translation: It’s all your fault that I have to dress up anyway.

That’s why in closets and other tight spots couples really have to watch it — the derogatory use of diphthongs or whatever else is in their linguistic arsenal — because Miss Communication, the mother of all translation barriers, will come right on in without even knocking.

“Hey, are you dissing me with that diph-thing?”

“Of course not, Honey. Ma, mha, mah, maa.”

So in the lingo of lovers, as in overseas eBay correspondence, it’s all about semantics (word meanings). Who knows? Maybe that Rosetta Stone company will eventually put spouse speak and eBayese in its teaching line up along with Farsi. Until then, blue jacket wearers and online buyers will simply have to keep struggling with Miss Communication. Blame it on that incident at Babel.

And while you’re at it, watch your tone.

Wesson resident Kim Henderson is a freelance writer who writes for The Daily Leader. Contact her at kimhenderson319@gmail.com.