Shark: 1 (noun) a long-bodied chiefly marine fish with a cartilaginous skeleton, a prominent dorsal fin and toothlike scales. 2 (Discovery Channel) exploitable cash cows with sharp teeth.

I’m disappointed in how Discovery Channel is handling Shark Week, and I say this as a life long fan-boy of sharks. I studied sharks with as much enthusiasm as most kids studied dinosaurs.

Some 25 years ago, I watched the first Shark Week at my grandparent’s house and was hooked immediately. The features included stories about Ron and Valerie Taylor, principle shark photographers for “Jaws” and shark conservationists; and Rodney Fox, spear fisherman and survivor of a very public and memorable great white attack off South Australia.

I remember these names because the shows were well written, entertaining, interesting and educational. Now here we are in 2015, over 25 years later, and we have a man in glasses and a shark outfit selling donuts and coffee, surfer-boy scientists trying to act important, really stupid experiments meant to drum up viewership rather than science, and all around sitcom silliness.

A man plays death metal to attract sharks? Another rides a flimsy shark cutout trying to attract large males with his gyrations? (Didn’t I see Bugs Bunny do this once?) Then, the same guy gets in a plastic shark cage using himself as bait to bring in the big sharks? Stop. Just stop.

Plus, the average size of a great white is 14-16 feet, and yet each year Shark Week is finding bigger and bigger sharks. “Over 20 feet” should be on a T-shirt as much as they’ve said it this year. I smell something, and it ain’t the chum.

Fast edits, epic-voice narration, obvious scripting, dramatic music and even CGI sharks used to create the illusion of danger and drama? Come on! Aren’t sharks cool enough to stand on their own fins?

At least there’s no mockumentaries about Mermaids or Megalodons this year. I guess they found the depth of their audience with those last year.

Until next time, “school” dismissed.

 

Jason Reeves is self-proclaimed geek tackling the biggest issues from video games to movies and everything in between.